Emotional level: 7
Mental level: 7
TODAY I LEARNED: The coldest temperature ever recorded was -144 degrees Fahrenheit.
I had a breakdown yesterday. I told myself, from now on I am going to be completely honest with how this blog turns out. Consistency doesn’t hold a flame to honesty. If you can be true to yourself about what you believe in, you’re on a pretty great streak.
I decided to take up drawing again. It seems to inspire a lot of great things within me. Also, it doesn’t hurt that it’s a stress reliever of sorts. My breakdown reminded me of many things…so many things. One of them being that I often have an issue with change. Not small changes like switching up what you will have for dinner, but big changes. Things like life decisions that completely morph your future.
For example, changing your mindset is extremely difficult. It’s unbelievably strenuous to keep trying everyday to think happier thoughts or “be happier”. You can’t just think them, you have to believe them and make them true, otherwise nothing will work. The cogs in the machine just won’t turn.
But I don’t want to just be happy all the time, that doesn’t seem right. I would much rather feel things honestly, whether it be good or bad. I want the honest feelings to sprout from me like flowers blooming for the first time in Spring. I want them to completely blossom and then fade as they should, slowly being engulfed by the next set of emotions.
I want to live. I do. But sometimes I get these thoughts, you know the ones I’m talking about because quite a few of you have them too. They shimmer there for just a moment until suddenly, they’re gone in the blink of an eye. Other times they hover, slowly lingering with what if’s and could have been’s.
Some days I feel too damaged to function, like a toy that requires three batteries, but only has two. It’s hard to explain something like that to someone, especially if that someone has never experienced severe depression.
Real and raw, it can swallow you up leaving you with questions from others like “Oh, why didn’t you just do it?” Because it’s not that easy. It’s not as simple as “just do it.” It never has been. Sure there are good days where things do seem easier, but overall, is it easy? No. Have I had more good days than bad lately? Not in the slightest.
Sometimes I wish I could say that I am this happy go lucky guy who wants the best for others and the world. Other times I want to be completely open and honest about exactly everything and everyone I come in to contact with. I can’t seem to find the medium there. I’m a combination of all these messed up and wonderful things, but how do I really want to express that in the world?
Should it be veiled and displayed as something else to ease just how devastating it really is? Like a painting with lots of reds and blacks. Plenty of people would say there’s some anger in there, but what I would notice is the black.
Anger doesn’t compare to the detrimental depression that comes out when you least expect it. The part that comes from the black. And that’s completely understandable that others would see the red first…because they haven’t had to experience the black in such gruesome detail. Red is much more vivid and loud and always seems to be noticed, while black lingers in the back.
What I want is simply to live life free…if I can do that, I will have achieved one of my many goals in life. They say the beginning and end are the easiest to write. It’s all that stuff in between that’s harder than anything else.
Blessed Be )O(