I Lost My Trust Again

TODAY I LEARNED: During WWII a fully grown reindeer lived on a British submarine, ate a navigation chart and got so fat that it couldn’t get back out.

It’s the first of October, and I haven’t put up any decorations yet. It’s been a very hectic time emotionally and mentally. Normally I have the decorations up around the first of September. This year, things have been a bit out of sorts. My mind should be navigating towards the spooky and abnormal. Instead, my brain has landed on deceit and hurt.

A long while back, someone completely destroyed my world. They did so by letting me go from a job simply because I didn’t risk my life trying to get to work. The roads were icy and snowy and I wasn’t willing to put my life on the line for a job.

When I came in the next day and sat down in the office to have a “meeting” with this person, I knew something was off. I watched and listened as they lied straight to my face, giving me reason after reason as to why I would be let go, not touching on the real matter at hand.

I walked out of the office, my hope and expectations completely shattered, torn between hate and moving forward. I was so lost in my own misery, I didn’t see this event was a gift from the universe, helping me to move towards my dreams and what I really want. But something unsettled me about this terrible situation. The look in this horrible person’s eyes was cruel and selfish. I never thought I would see it again, but I did, just yesterday, from yet another, I never thought would hold such hate in their gaze.

They told me things and unveiled many truths by trying to cover up with sad lies. I know better. Yet, my trust was once again broken. Someone I thought I could trust, lied to my face about something devastatingly important. I vowed to do something about it. To right wrongs and make a worthy change. But then I realized something.

We pick our battles, and this is not mine. Why linger in this spiral of hate and back and forth when I could simply wade myself away, keep myself free from their manipulation. After all, I’m doing my own thing, trying my best every single day and none of them need to be involved. I could be a part of the hurricane, or I could escape the storm before the real damage was done. So, that’s what I will do.

I mean no hate in my intentions…and if I were to stay in this situation, it would turn me into something I don’t recognize. A form that I’m not sure if I would be able to come back from. That being said, I’ve chosen a new route. My dreams, my future. I won’t let someone steal my peace. Not when I can do so much more in my own life, working towards what I want, what I need.

On a happier and lighter note, things are evening out now that I have decided to not let these people steal my peace. And now that Autumn is here, it’s time to let go of people, places, and things that no longer serve me.

It will take awhile for me to gain that trust back. Longer than it ever has. But it’s time to embrace new things. A path has been forged and I need to follow it. I had lost my hope as well…but I found it again in the smallest of places. It’s funny how we find our hope. We often think it takes some grand experience to gain something back or start anew.

It’s the small things, the quiet places we find our hope, our inspiration. The slightest twitch of the small bits in the concrete. The wind just barely caressing your face on the most stressful of days. The autumn winds are entirely different. They affect me on all levels in the best way.

I can’t wait to see what the winds whisper this autumn. I’m in the mood for adventure!

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