TODAY I LEARNED: There were active volcanoes on the moon when dinosaurs were alive.

In May, I experienced the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I feel a lingering shimmer of something that once was. My mind, body, and soul have transformed. I’ve grown in every area of my life this past month. But this shimmer still shines like a tiny beacon, beckoning for bits of my attention. The shining pieces try to pull me to the past. Back to regret and worry. In the past I would talk to these pieces as though they were irrational and horrible. Now, with the ability of acceptance and the power of letting go, I know it’s possible to love every aspect of myself. Doing this allows all the pesky shimmers and bits to fade and shine anew. I become a new self.

I’m trying to conjure in my mind, the last time I felt this balanced. It’s been a very long time since I have been this close to my magick.

As May closes out, I can’t help but to look at spring as a refreshing new beginning. Something is in the air now. Summer approaches and brings with it new life. My new life. I am reborn in a way only suffering could bring. That sounds morbid…but it’s true. There were things I needed to learn and in order to do that, I needed to know pain and be pushed to the edge of my limits. I found a new person there. He’s much stronger and filled to the absolute brim with hope. Definitely not something I saw coming.

After the fear of the event had settled, I was left with a yearning to understand why something like this had to happen. I came to the conclusion that in this life, as much as we don’t want to think about it, pain is a part of being human. We talk about it all the time and disregard it until it’s time to be felt. At that point, we seek aid and comfort from anyone who will give it, because no one wants to be in pain, much less think about it. But when I started to see pain for what it really was, something to teach me, I had a new view of it. Pain wasn’t personal. It wasn’t targeting me to “make” me suffer. It was a way to help me grow. And when you start seeing pain as something that is happening with you and not “to you,” something changes inside you. Even if it hurts, there is purpose in the pain.

A new light shines inside your body. It grows so bright you can’t help but smile. With this light came a newfound appreciation for my craft. For spells and meditation. For the power of doing absolutely nothing.

After the pain came an experience I didn’t see coming. This one forced me to sit with myself in silence for an entire hour. For me to do something like this was pure torture. I’m a human with a brain that requires constant stimulation (ADHD life) and to have that taken away for an entire hour was hell. I felt like I would fall into myself over and over again looking at the same objects until I felt dizzy. I went back and forth in my mind. I visited every corner of my internal existence and thought surely there was a way to escape.

After a few minutes of fighting it, I settled into myself and decided it was time to meditate. After sorting through fear, doubt, worry, and all sorts of spooky mental images, I found myself again. Deep within me, the person I thought didn’t exist was there, showing me how to believe again. But once again, suffering had to be met in order to get through to the other side.

Suddenly, fear and pain had new meanings. I was finally realizing what it meant to live in a higher vibration, a new place on all aspects. I realized the true purpose is to get through it, not around it.

I spoke with my spirit guides a lot through the entire process. I definitely think it’s made me closer with them and I want to continue to get even closer.

I also have a new meaning of balance. Somewhere a long the way, the meaning got lost in translation. I always thought balance meant you had to be calm and collected with all circumstances. Now I know balance as a means of embracing the up and down, the good and bad, the yin and yang of it all. Just like its definition, it is an even distribution. But finding your balance can be tricky.

To that, I offer a bit of advice from personal experience. To maintain balance, acceptance and letting go are key. Accept what is. Let go of what was and what you can’t control. Accept the good and bad and let go of all that doesn’t serve you.

Of course, it’s all easier said than done, but you have to start. My problem was always thinking about it over and over until I realized I needed to stop thinking and just do it. And once you’ve started, see it through. Go through it, not around it.

While May didn’t seem like the most magickal month for me, I definitely feel June holds much more in store. I have found my voice again in the people and things I love. They show me meaning and what it is to be human. They give me hope when all else fades, reminding me that the light inside myself never fades, we simply lose sight of it from time to time.

I leave you with these simple, yet powerful affirmations that seem silly to say because they are so simple, but believing in them is truly magickal, transformative, and beautiful.

I am light.

I am love.

I am magick.

May the gods grant you peace, serenity, prosperity. Blessed Be. )O(