Emotional level: 6
Mental level: 6
TODAY I LEARNED: Neutron stars can spin 600 times per second!
What you’re about to read is a collected expression of emotion that I’ve been holding back for a while. It’s been added to, backspaced, and torn apart in these past few days and it needs to be released. If it doesn’t make sense, that’s completely fine. It’s meant to be an expression of many…many things. And if you take something away from it, good. If not, that’s fine too. 😊
I escaped. I got out. The way they gave chase did nothing but make me run faster. I was on my own, just out of reach from those who would try to trap me. But those who held me hostage weren’t kidnappers. They weren’t skilled assassins or elite spies trained for a well thought plan. They were people, just like you, reading this. No one particular person made me feel trapped. At least, not at once. It was this town…this place. All of these people at once. Those who don’t belong…and those who do. I was irrevocably captured by this very Earth…concealed in this corner of corrosion, this pit. Like so many others, I felt the pull of the doubt, fear, sadness…but most of all, I was still trapped. I could run as far as the sea, but they would somehow catch up to me.
I wasn’t in the clear. They would come for me again, in ways that no one could understand. I wanted to be rid of them…the people, the place. The way they feel when they give me a show. The terrible lies they feed themselves which then turn to ugly truth and infect them. This ugly truth will then spread like a hungry parasite, just waiting for its next victim. Can I escape? Is there a way to truly break away from them? Will they always seek me out? It will devour you. It’s dangerous, but you can’t see it. Since we live in a world where seeing is believing, it’s hard to truly see and truly avoid all that darkness. Because you can’t. You will see it. You will see the darkness.
And that wonderful thing they call death? Is it a blessing? Does it release us from this anguished life and return us to the eternal coil? Do we pass into another life? Why does it have to hurt so much? Not the dead…but those left behind. It hurts…its hurts like hell. True hell. Living without the one you love. Those you love…it’s not meant to feel good. It isn’t meant to feel pleasant in the slightest. It’s torturous…it is inevitable.
What of those who leave on purpose? Do they simply let it all fall away? Do they care anymore? Does it hurt their heart when I cry? Are they even capable of such deep emotion? Would they care if they were left the same way? They wouldn’t know. Not them. Not the ones I speak of. They might never know. They may never understand what I mean, and that’s okay. They don’t have to know how much it hurts…because I left first this time. Never again.
In the silence, at this moment, I want to cry. My captors aren’t after me at the moment. But I can’t cry. I want to, but for some reason, I just can’t. No tears…no release. But I can dream of them, the tears. They would fall like roses. Slowly yet full of wonderful sorrow. Beautiful, lonely sadness.
I would cry so hard, and then take a breath. I would feel the sweet embrace of air as it brushed against my lungs. The cold breeze would pierce the sad and collect upon my doubts. I would put that where it’s supposed to be. In a pocket. To be felt another time. A time when I can cry. A moment where no one is watching. A lasting resemblance of what could have been. I would cry and cry…but not now. A cry couldn’t come at this moment. Because it won’t let me. I won’t let me. I have the key, but the door won’t open. The gates won’t let in the flood until the moment is right. It will catch me off guard…falter the very fabric of my reality and then send me down a river of release. It won’t be stopped because finally…the tears have come. They fall.