Emotional level: 7
Mental level: 7
TODAY I LEARNED: Cheese is the most stolen food in the world.
I feel empty. Void. There’s no other way to explain it. It’s a part of the depression. But I haven’t let it stop me from doing all the things I need to today, which is progress.
This is supposed to be a new year and new habits are forming. I don’t want to lose them.
Days like this are interestingly different than others. If you suffer from depression, I would say you know what I mean. With anxiety days I know exactly what I’m getting. A moment passes by and suddenly, the feeling is there. You know you’re gonna have to ride it out.
But depression days are almost unpredictable. You may know what’s going to happen, but experiencing it is entirely different. Sometimes it hits you randomly during the day. Another day you wake up and it’s an immediate feeling. You know you’re going to be depressed.
It’s something I have to ride out as well, it just takes longer. Sometimes, during these days, I feel overwhelmingly sad. Most days, however, I feel empty. It’s just like there’s nothing there. Nothing to attach to emotionally.
It’s like…if you were stuck in a well, and the walls of the well were slippery as hell. You try to get out but you can’t even get a grip on the stones. You keep trying, but you know you’re stuck. Not in that moment, anyway. You will get out eventually, but in that moment or day or however long it lasts, it doesn’t feel like you’ll escape.
Then, when you finally get out, you have this moment of clarity. You start thinking, how did I ever fall into that? Then you’re reminded that you can’t help it. Sometimes your brain chemistry is just different from others.
But there is a beauty of sorts in that clarity. After you’ve made it out of the well and onto the cool grass, you find something in yourself. Strength. It was there, waiting for you while you processed everything. And it’s always waiting.
Today I remind myself that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s okay to be me. I may be depressed, but a good mood will come along again. Things WILL get better and history can attest to that. However, it will also get bad again and then good once more. It’s a cycle, as I’ve said in many other blog posts.
It’s a continuous circle. One that sucks sometimes, but we push through it anyway because we know that bad things won’t last forever.
That’s what I have to do today. Push through it. I know that. It’s hard, but necessary.
There are some changes that have been made in my life and I’m hoping they will make things just a bit better in terms of emotional and mental health.
Go in light and love and don’t worry about what people are going to say about the way you do it. If they laugh, they don’t understand. If they cheer, then they support you.